Break Free From Other's Opinions

Hey there ✨

The last few weeks have been challenging, and everyone who is self-employed knows:

This journey is a rollercoaster.

You exchange security for freedom. The most basic need of a human for the highest desire on Maslow’s pyramid. An exchange that is emotionally demanding.

Step by step, you learn about your limiting beliefs. You get to know your self-doubts. Your inner critic takes center stage. Every time you face failure and/or existential threats.

This is also what happened to me (I wrote about it on LinkedIn last week):

I had to learn (and I still am) to:

• feel and accept the feeling
• reflect and reframe my narratives
• grow from my failed project

Today, the Deep Dive is focusing on exactly that:
The fear that arises from failure, and what others think about you.
The fear of being excluded from a group and what you can do about it.

Are you ready?

Let’s dive into: Breaking Free from Others’ Opinions.

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STARTING POINT: FEAR OF NOT-BELONGING

It started with me; now let’s get back to you.
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Remember the last time you were scared to fail?

When you were afraid others might think you are ridiculous?

When you thought about others laughing at you?

When you were scared they would figure out that you’re a fraud?

How did that feel?

Where did you notice it in your body?
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Remember, observe and notice it for a moment.
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This feeling is one of the most existential threats for a human being.

What—this? Yes. The fear of being ridiculed.
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The fear of being exposed as a fraud, of not being good enough for others: It meant certain death (Okay, I am exaggerating a bit) But this is the intensity with which you might feel this emotion.

Here is why:

Our brains are wired to prioritize social belonging. For centuries, we’ve survived because we are social beings. Because we are part of a group.

Not being good enough to be part of the group means being an outsider. Being an outsider means being alone. Being alone (in the past) meant very bad chances to survive—a potential threat to die.

It triggers the fight-or-flight response when we perceive a threat to our social standing or self-image. That’s why the fear of judgment feels so intense. It’s your brain's way of protecting you from social exclusion, which, in evolutionary terms, was akin to a death sentence.

So, indirectly, your fear of what others might think of you has another side, which makes it more relatable why your brain causes so much anxiety in these situations.

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THE COMPARISON TRAP

What actually happens here?

This fear results from a trigger situation that leads you to think about yourself with a certain discrepancy from a desired state.

What does this mean?

You compare yourself to others—how they are “better” than you. Or you compare yourself to a version of how you’d like to be. Or you’re even scared because you think less of yourself, afraid that others will find out you’re not as good or skilled as you seem to be (that would be the so-called imposter syndrome).

But you’re not alone.

This fear touches everyone, regardless of who you are or where you come from. It’s not limited to any one group, demographic, or profession. It’s a universal phenomenon—one that even the most successful people face.

And guess what? Especially in today’s world, this is a significant issue. Since comparison has become a part of our daily lives. Thanks to social media.

We are constantly exposed to the curated highlights and successes of others. TikTok, Instagram, LinkedIn. They can all lead to unhealthy comparisons and feelings of inadequacy.

What can we do about this? How can we actively work to reduce this fear?

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YOUR 4-STEPS-PLAN OUT OF THIS

From a psychological perspective, the most effective interventions I found in my research were coaching and peer-to-peer groups.

A major part of these interventions: Cognitive reframing—changing the way you think about and interpret fearful situations.

Let’s walk through this together.
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Trigger Situation:

1. Something happens—a mistake, a project fails—that triggers your fear of being judged by others.

2. Your brain reacts to this trigger and signals your body with a stress reaction.

What would naturally happen:

Your increased attention leads you to focus on the situation that triggered this response.

Sounds familiar: Not being able to stop thinking about it? Walking down a vicious cycle? And feeling worse and worse?

Here’s what you can do to stop this cycle:

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1. Calm Your Nervous System:

First things first. You want to signal your body that there is no “real” danger and nothing to fear. You need to find ways to calm your nervous system.

The quickest and always available option: Breathe.

It may sound like a common saying—“just breathe”—but there is truly something to it. The stress response influences your breath to become short and shallow. By breathing deeply, you work against this and signal to your body that it is safe.

So your first step (this also applies to any situation in which you feel fear) should always be to recenter yourself by focusing on your breath until you feel at least a bit more grounded.

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2. Accept Your Feelings:

This might be the most important step you can take. Feel the feeling and accept the situation as it is (something I struggled with because I immediately jumped to the “learning”).

Sometimes we judge ourselves, become angry, or tell ourselves we are stupid for fearing something like the opinion of others and that we should know better. We start this dialogue with ourselves where we essentially do what? Put ourselves further down and ultimately increase our stress reaction.

Whatever we do, before we start reflecting on this situation, it is important to adopt a non-judgmental mindset.

Whatever we feel, whatever story we currently tell ourselves: IT IS OKAY.

Whatever triggered you, whatever you did, whatever will come: IT IS OKAY.

Let this become your mantra whenever you experience negative feelings.

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3. Reframe the Trigger:

Whenever you feel ready to dive into the topic again, you can use cognitive reframing. Start by reflecting on the current narrative of the story you are telling yourself and then shift the perspective toward something positive.

Ask yourself:

• Why am I scared? (Ask this question until there is no answer left)
• What exactly triggers my fear?
• What am I telling myself about it?

Reframing:

• Is there anything positive to focus on in this situation?
• Why could this be good for myself?
• Where do I see a chance for growth?
• What opportunities might this situation bring me?
• Imagine you are talking to a friend in the same situation. What would you tell them?

Especially in the second part, try to find something that resonates with you—something that can become your “new story.”

This new narrative can serve as your reminder. Whenever these thoughts come up again, remember the new narrative.

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4. Practice a New Mindset & Train Your Brain

Part of yogic philosophy contains certain principles meant to help practitioners stay on the right track in life.

Two of these principles are:

• Non-Violence – Ahimsa
• Non-Attachment – Aparigraha

Ahimsa (Non-Violence) is the first of the Yamas and is meant to guide you to avoid violence in speech, action, and thought. This not only applies to others but especially to yourself. So, while we often train negative internal dialogues, yogic philosophy recommends reflecting on your language towards yourself and being kinder.

Aparigraha (Non-Attachment) is the last of the Yamas and a principle that teaches you to practice detachment from things, relationships, desired situations, the past, or the future. In this case: From the opinions of others. Attachment is the main cause of suffering, and whenever you notice that you feel attached to something, remind yourself of this principle and learn to practice non-attachment.
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Following this philosophy, practicing self-compassion, and changing the narrative of what you tell yourself will help you in the long run to perceive similar situations differently.

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CONCLUSION: FOLLOW YOUR PHILOSOPHY

Whatever you take away from this, remember: this journey is ongoing.

It’s not about completely eradicating the fear, but about learning how to react to it when it occurs.

• Cognitive reframing can support you in the moment.
• Breathing can support you in the moment.

But if you want long-lasting change, you need to start living by a certain philosophy that continuously influences your mindset. That serves as your reminder in every situation.

Be it yogic philosophy, something from a different culture, or even your own, based on your individual values.

If you develop a philosophy that resonates with you, it can become your compass, your guidance system. ​
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It will always remind you, that there is no need to fear. Especially not the opinion of others.

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Stay mindful,

Carina 🌻

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